1.05: Charity Drive

Michael always rides his bike to work, but we see that because he lives in California, he also always arrives sweaty, even dripping on the projector in meetings. Obviously this cannot stand.

Ah, and now we meet Kitty! I will always think of Judy Greer as Kitty since that’s where I first saw her, but you’ve probably seen her in about 60% of romantic comedies made since the year 2000, where she always plays the best friend. Anyway, Kitty obviously does not like Michael, as she tells him that George Sr. “most certainly did not” file the permits that Michael just promised the clients had been filed. Michael groans that now he has to ride his bike to talk to George, and when Kitty suggests he takes his Dad’s car we get a flashback to 1981, where we see that George Sr. was always super protective of his car. Also, this is the first time we see the younger versions of the Bluth kids, and I think they did a pretty good match job.

Kitty smugly lets slip that GOB has been driving George’s car, so Michael goes to confront GOB at the banana stand, where he’s just ordered a GOB (double dip banana with everything on it). Turns out he has been driving George Sr.’s car, and also managed to burn the roof by trying to impress a cute security guard with his magic. The staircar is unavailable because Tobias took it to the airport but was waved onto the tarmac, and there it remains. George Michael tries to hand over the GOB to GOB, but Michael stops it when he finds out his brother doesn’t plan on paying. GOB offers his likeness for a “Bananagrabber” character in exchange, but Michael shuts it all down and tells him to stop taking the car.

Michael returns to the model home to find out from Lindsay where the car is. So far she’s managed to spill red nail polish all over it while driving and doing her nails. She mentions that she has to get ready for the bachelorette auction (even though she’s already married), and Michael accuses her of not actually being charitable. She accuses him of the same, and he gets all up in arms about how everything he does is for the family. Lindsay argues that he just likes being in charge, and Michael eventually drags it out of her that Buster has the car (“it’s on the schedule”).

Penthouse. Lucille’s housekeeper Luce is gone, and her sister Lupe has replaced her. Lucille is scolding her about everything, and when Michael scolds his mother, she replies “Oh please. They didn’t sneak into this country to be your friends.” (Lupe stops cold at that one.) After guilting Michael over denying GOB a frozen banana (as Lindsay did earlier, someone’s a whiner), Lucille also mentions that she’s in the bachelorette auction. She’s mainly in it to go for more money than Lucille Austero, which she’s insured by giving Lucille 2 tickets to The Producers.

Apparently Buster is going to bid on Lucille, although right now he’s hiding so that he won’t have to come into contact with Lucille 2, who’s been pursuing him since the Desis, and is half-expecting some “grand romantic gesture”.  Right now Lucille Bluth is coaching Buster through the process: Bid $10,000 when they call her name. She leaves, frustrated, and Michael asks Buster about the car. He’s been taking it to his archaeology digs, and gives Michael the keys, although there are still half-excavated bones in the backseat.

At prison, George is distracted from the permit issue since he’s working on his newsletter and deciding which gang to align himself with. He can’t choose, he just feels like “the prettiest girl at the dance”. Anyway, his solution to the permits is to break into the permit office, put the application into another file, and claim that the permit people screwed up—seems to me that George’s ending up in prison was really an inevitability. He tells Michael to get GOB to do it, since that’s what he’s for. Michael: “THAT’S what he’s for!” George does caution him that the request shouldn’t come from Michael, since GOB is still miffed about the frozen banana debacle.

GOB is trying to replace the frozen-banana-hole in his heart with a candy apple, and promptly cracks a tooth. Michael finds him and makes a seemingly sincere apology before immediately requesting a favor. GOB tries to argue, but realizes that his cracked tooth is making him whistle when he speaks. GOB is more generous when he finds out that it’s George Sr. who needs the favor, but has some “conditionSsss…termSsss… ONE CONDITION AND ONE TERM.” He wants free frozen bananas as well as creative control, spin-off rights, and theme park rights to any Banana-Grabber characters. Michael agrees, but retains animation rights. GOB also wants Michael to make up for embarrassing him in front of his nephew.

Back at the banana stand, Michael requests a banana and respect for GOB, and tells George Michael to do “whatever he wants you to do”. Uh oh. Michael checks that they’re good, but GOB is already hoping that it wasn’t a mistake to give up animation rights.

Lindsay is taking a taxi (the bus was gross) to a wetlands cleanup to prove that she is charitable, and calls Michael once she gets there. She brags, hangs up, and promptly impales a frog with her trash-poker-stick.

 

 Michael, feeling competitive, also decides to be charitable, and gets his chance when he sees Lupe waiting for the bus…or at least that’s what he thinks. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that it’s because he only met her once, but it turns out that the woman he insists get in the car is a total stranger. On top of that, when she sees Buster’s bones, Lindsay’s red nail polish, and a shovel, she quickly gets frantic. She starts pleading in Spanish, but Michael takes “escared” for “izquierdo”, and makes a left turn. “And they call me selfish!” he chuckles.

Michael is chatting to the woman about what a banana-grabber is. A guy who grabs bananas and runs? A banana that grabs things? “Why would a banana grab another banana? I mean, those are the kind of questions I don’t want to answer.” He’s interrupted by a call from Lindsay, who fronts by raving about nature for about three seconds before admitting she made a mistake. Michael says that he has someone in the car and “I’m not going anywhere before she’s taken care of!” And then nods at her like this:

Lindsay admits that she’s lost and hates the wetlands, “and I think I maced a crane!” Michael gives in and tells the woman that they’re taking a detour, but in the other direction there are already police cars, sirens on, out looking for the woman Michael “kidnapped”.

Lucille 2 is basically waiting in her doorway for Buster to come out and make his grand romantic gesture, but realizes she was probably mistaken about his intentions. Meanwhile, GOB is trying to get into the permit office, but his whistling tooth blows a hole in his deliveryman disguise. At the model home, George Michael agrees to give a message to Michael from GOB because “my dad said I had to do whatever you wanted me too.” GOB had forgotten about that, but seizes his chance and assigns the job to George Michael, who is hesitant until he sees how excited Maeby is about the idea.

Lindsay makes it back to her taxi, but forgets to call Michael. He pulls up, doesn’t see her, and assumes she was lying about the whole thing. While he’s in the middle of his angry soliloquy, his passenger makes a run for it. “I’m trying to help you… you’re welcome!” he shouts as she flees for her life.

 At the prison, GOB is telling George Sr. how much his request means to him, and his father offers to have his cell-mate dentist “who took some liberties with his patients” take a look at GOB’s tooth. It comes up that GOB got George Sr.’s fourteen-year-old grandson (fourteen now? Huh…) to break into the permit office, to which George responds by breaking the strict no-touching rule and smacking GOB with his newspaper while calling him a “stupid ass”. Mean, but true.

Things at the permit office are quickly spiraling out of control, as Maeby leaves a piece of gum as her calling card, then mentions their fingerprints. “I thought you said they weren’t gonna check for fingerprints!” George Michael panics. “No,”, Maeby replies, I said don’t wear your mittens.” Hahaha, he totally would too. Security is approaching, and George Michael tells his cousin to save herself, and she promises to return the favor next time. He’s so enchanted by the prospect of a next time that he doesn’t even seem to mind when they shine a flashlight in his face.

At the bachelorette auction, Lindsay arrives, looking a mess from her torturous day. 

 

Buster is also supposed to be there to bid on his mother, but he is waiting for Lucille 2 to leave first, supposedly for The Producers, but she’s actually going to the auction as well. Lindsay’s not getting any bids, but Michael enters and sees that she was obviously in the wetlands, so he bids $1,000 on her. “Seriously?” the auctioneer asks, and pronounces her sold to “the man who truly knows what charity is”.

Buster, well aware of how late he is, rushes down the hall, panicking as he hears the name Lucille. So as not to disappoint his mother, he barges into the room and yells, “ten thousand dollars!”… for the wrong Lucille. 

 

She’s enchanted by the grand romantic gesture, and Buster passes out.

Lindsay thanks Michael for helping her out, and as thanks agrees that George Sr.’s car is Michael’s when a policeman comes up to inquire. This sweet moment only lasts a second, however,  as the officer shoves Michael onto the hood of the car and arrests him for the “forced abduction of Helen Maria Delgado”. He finds himself face-to-face with his son in the back of the police car, and doesn’t even seem that startled.

Michael: What’d you do?

George Michael: Just trying to be a good guy.

Michael. Me too… me too. Let’s go see Pop-pop.

“Next time”: Michael gets off because Helen makes the same mistake he did (fingering a different guy in a blue shirt with dark hair), and GOB regrets a bad business decision: “I never should have given up animation rights.” 

 (Also, it’s a banana who grabs bananas, so there’s that question answered.)

1.04: Key Decisions

The Bluths are having money troubles. Michael tries to talk Lindsay out of spending so much, and they end up arguing about how much she really loves nature. (Michael: You’re wearing ostrich skin boots. Lindsay: Well I don’t love ostriches.) No sooner has she left then GOB comes in needing help. Apparently he’s practically being forced to support his girlfriend Marta, the star of a Spanish soap opera, not only during an interview today but at an awards show tomorrow (the “Desis”) where she is nominated. Michael tells him that family is the most important thing, and then they try to hide from Lucille when she enters. GOB does ask for money now, and when Michael refuses, rats out their hiding place to Lucille.

Lucille wants to go to the Desis to show up her friend Lucille Austero, who owns a TV station. She’s brought Buster along, and he needs Michael to tie his tie for him. Michael asks if Buster shouldn’t be skewing younger with the women he hangs out with, and Lucille explains that it’s a problem because “his glasses make him look like a lizard… plus, he’s self-conscious.” She chides Michael for not having dated in years, and he complains that he hasn’t met anyone lately that doesn’t act like—well, his family.

Michael sells the company jet, but keeps the stair car (the thing you climb up to board the plane) since all they have to drive in now is the overdue rental car Lindsay kept. 

Michael tells Lindsay to watch out for bridges and hop-ons. “You’re gonna get some hop-ons.” He goes inside the model home and watches a news report about a man named Johnny Bark camping out in a tree on a building site to protest the building of development homes. The reporter knocks on the window of the house for effect, and Michael’s window also knocks, then falls in. Michael: “You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

Michael gets Lindsay to talk to the protestor by telling her that once they’ve built the new houses, they’ll have enough money for a new car. Meanwhile, GOB is taping Marta’s interview. He interrupts her speech about the importance of family to announce that he’ll be locked up in George Sr.’s prison and escape by magic (the warden agreed because he’s eager to see GOB get a good prison beating). GOB has a rough time swallowing the key that will allow him to escape, but finally gets it down. The next day, he meets Michael at the prison before entering and relays the news that Michael will be taking Marta to the Desis, since GOB will voluntarily be in jail.

George Sr. is teaching some inmates how to throw a baseball, and GOB jealously approaches, surprising his father with his presence. GOB starts to act like, well, himself, and George has to call off White Power Bill, a large and angry looking man. GOB tries to mitigate the situation by pulling a quarter out of WPB's ear. Another inmate takes note and tries to spread the new nickname, “Dirty Ears Bill”.

Marta shows up at the model home all gussied up, and Michael is immediately struck by her beauty. He tries to get out of the engagement but can’t bring himself to do it, and has to drive her to the ceremony in the stair car (which Lindsay had earlier driven to the tree to talk to the protestor). In fact, right now Lindsay is up in the tree finishing her speech to him, but just as she tells him that one way or another the tree will be torn down, she realizes that her escape route has disappeared.

At the awards show, Michael and Marta take a seat and Lucille and Buster arrive. Lucille tries to order a drink from every passing Hispanic male in a tux, and a blind, glasses-less Buster makes small talk with a nearby table. Lucille meets up with her friend Lucille Austero (played by Liza Minelli), and they try to one-up each other on dead vs. imprisoned husbands. They crack up at the “delicious wit”, and Lucille 2 (the nickname is not officially instated this episode, but it's the easiest way to reference her) throws herself into an episode of vertigo by laughing too hard. Later, she takes notice of Buster, who cannot see across the room but is doing a weird little fidget-dance that she takes as flirting. She sends a message to him on a napkin and leaves all a-flutter. 

Inside, Marta loses her category and walks out. Michael follows and tries to comfort her, before confirming: “Did you win? I don’t speak Spanish.” Marta is sad more because she thought her winning would make GOB proud, but admits that maybe he just doesn’t understand family and commitment. Michael realizes that he might be having feelings that are inappropriate for a brother’s girlfriend.

In prison, housed in the same cell as George Sr., GOB is ready to pass the key and escape. What he hadn’t realized, however, was that all the available toilets—or toilet, rather—are out in the open in the cells. “I’ve made a huge mistake,” he intones.

Michael and Marta are eating fast food on the stair car (In N Out I think, from the looks of the cups. Oh, California.), while Lindsay, still stuck in the tree, bonds with Johnny Bark. She reflects on her time as an activist, when she “used to believe in things”. At this moment, Michael returns with the stair car, but her nostalgia has turned her against him and now she wants to save the tree. “Okay,” Michael agrees, “I’ll see you when you realize what the bucket is for.” Man, the Bluth kids are 0 for 2 on private bathrooms this ep.

Lucille is waiting for Michael inside the model home, claiming that Buster is out of control. Actually, he just considers himself to be someone’s boyfriend since he got that note from the mystery lady. But he does know what she looked like: “a brownish area with points”. And he already loves her. Lucille leaves to call “Dr. Miller”, and the brothers chat about what to do when you find someone special. Buster’s advice? “You just grab that brownish area by its points, and you don’t let go no matter what your Mom says!” He leaves, determined.

GOB calls from prison. New plan: he unplugged the ice cream sandwich machine, which has temporarily distracted the guards, and wants Michael to meet him at the prison wall with the stair car. Michael really only needs to see GOB to talk about Marta, so he rides his bike over. “The stairs? I thought you were kidding. Hey, speaking of kidding, how serious are you about Marta?” GOB wants to jump onto Michael from 20 feet up, 

 but as they argue about logistics a guard comes out (from the security room where they're all eating ice cream sandwiches) and tasers him.

Back in his cell, GOB has a chat with George Sr. about how he’s just a big failure. George admits that he’s never been the best father, but still GOB just wants to throw the ball around with him like the other inmates. George is not enthused at the prospect.

The next morning, Lindsay is back in her own bed and Johnny Bark enters to confess his love, since they connected over believing in things. Lindsay apologizes for leading him on, but “I think you’re gross”. There’s some commotion outside—since Johnny left the tree, all obstacles are clear and the crew is tearing it down. “That’s why you never get out of the tree,” he realizes sadly.

Over at the prison, George Sr. finally offers to play a game of catch with GOB. It’s going well until White Power Bill comes up behind GOB and, in an act of vengeance, shanks him right in the side (shivvs him? Not up on my prison lingo).

Michael is over at Marta’s to confess his feelings, but is interrupted by her phone ringing. She picks up and relays the news to Michael: “GOB has been stabbed in the back.” Michael looks guilty. Cut to the hospital, where Lucille is sitting near her oldest son. When he wakes up and finds out he’s in the hospital and not prison, all he can do is let out a weak “ta-da!”. Out in the hallway, Buster and Lucille 2 run into each other. (She’s in the hospital for her bout of vertigo.) She asks Buster if he’s given any thought to her offer. In a moment of horrible realization, Buster asks if her hair has always been that pointy. 

Michael enters GOB’s room. GOB admits that life is short, so he needs to work things out with Marta. Michael is disappointed, but represses his feelings. GOB admits that had he gotten out last night, he would have broken up with her, so it’s a good thing Michael didn't bring the stairs. Michael starts to head out as Marta enters, and watches with regret as she and GOB make up. She tells him that she’s going to call the kids, and, once alone, GOB looks reflective: “I’ve made a huge mistake.”

Next time: GOB finds out that the shiv got caught on the key in his lower intestine ("so close..."), and Buster agrees to go for it with Lucille 2.

1.03: Bringing Up Buster

Michael is at the model home, making cornballs in “The Cornballer”, a device that George Sr. apparently tried to market through infomercials with Richard Simmons in the 70s. He warns George Michael not to touch the blazing hot machine, and George Michael reveals that he can’t go on their weekly bike ride. Michael is stunned that his son would try to have his own life, and promptly burns himself on the Cornballer.

Michael’s annoyance is building early this episode as he also learns that Lindsay has been shopping on the company credit card. GOB comes into the kitchen, apparently having been kicked out by his girlfriend, Marta. Michael doesn’t want GOB crowding up the house, and Lindsay blames his bad mood on George Michael’s abandonment. She and Tobias try to give Michael parenting advice, but instead of helping to prove their point Maeby leaves to audition for the school play (making sure to mention to her father, “it’s a high school play. You CAN’T audition.”)

Apparently she’s so interested because auditioning for the lead is a handsome dumb-jock type named Steve Holt, and she’s excited about the prospect of a kissing scene. George Michael is auditioning for the same reason, only focused on his cousin. Steve Holt gets the lead (“Steve Holt!” he shouts victoriously, pumping his fists), Maeby gets her part, and George Michael is… Steve’s stand-in.

We switch over to Lucille, who is beginning to feel smothered by Buster’s constant presence in her life, as there’s no money to send him to grad school anymore. She’s on the phone with Lindsay, who’s asking for money, while in the background Buster is trying to chase down a bird that got in the penthouse. “It walked on my pillow!” he whines. 

When Lindsay complains that Lucille is lecturing her just like Michael did “in front of everybody”, Lucille sees an opportunity to get her youngest son off her hands.

At the office, Lucille is guilting Michael into taking care of his brother, since “everyone’s laughing and riding and cornholing except Buster”. Michael assigns him the task of building the new bike he bought for George Michael (to tempt him back to the bike ride), and finds GOB in the copy room. In his bathrobe. Feeding slices of white bread into the paper shredder. 

(I love it.) GOB suspects that Lucille has ulterior motives for leaving Buster with Michael, but Buster seems oblivious: “Yeah. Mom’s awesome. Maybe we should call her.” Apparently since he’s not allowed at the model home, GOB’s been sleeping at the office. Michael kicks him out again.

At the play rehearsal, Tobias enters, oh-so-awkwardly hoists himself onto the stage, and reveals that he’ll be directing the play. In flashback, we see that the PE teacher was supposed to do it, but couldn’t give two shits and when Tobias came begging for the job, quickly agreed to “let the little fruit do it”.

Buster is causing trouble for Michael at work, so Michael calls it a day and goes to meet George Michael at school. George Michael and Maeby are in the middle of the kiss scene, but Tobias stops them because they’re lacking passion, and right now they look like “two young men playing grab-ass in the shower”. Maeby, fed up, quits, just as Michael comes in with George Michael’s new bike. George Michael gets upset that Michael is interrupting his big moment, and Michael worries to Tobias that his son is pulling away. Tobias sees George Michael talking with SteveHolt! and mistakenly assumes that the two need to be paired up. Since Maeby is gone, he announces that George Michael and SteveHolt! will now be the leads.

Michael’s visiting the prison, where George Sr. apologizes for missing his last visit for a game of strip poker. “It’s tough, we can really only play about… two hands.” Ha! They start talking about the need for Michael to let go of his son, citing Buster as a cautionary tale. “Maybe it was the 11 months he spent in the womb,” George Sr. muses. “I mean, the doctors said there were claw marks on the inside of her uterus… he turned out a little soft.” He’s interrupted by the yawns of Buster, who we discover has been sitting there the whole time: “Wow. We’re just blowing through nap time, huh?” Michael realizes he has to ease up on George Michael.

Lucille is awakened by GOB playing the piano in her penthouse (I weirdly always loved his arrangement of “Cold as Ice” here), so she uncaringly slams the lid down on his hands. Hearing that Marta kicked him out, she gives him three days in the penthouse. GOB: “Hey, if I can’t find a horny immigrant by then, I don’t DESERVE to stay here!”. Lucille is amused. So nice to see them getting along.

Michael is preparing to take Buster on the bike ride with him, and in response to Michael’s trash talk his baby brother breaks out a string of curse words that’s entirely bleeped out. 

After a play update from Tobias, GOB appears. He’s moving back in because Lucille told him to zip up her dress (which is usually Buster’s job). The four Bluth kids commiserate about their mother, and the older three are all surprised when Buster interjects, “it’s like she gets off on being withholding”. They’re all enjoying the moment as Buster starts ragging on his mother and careens into another bleeped out rant, ending with “YOU HORNY OLD SLUT!” “Well, no one’s gonna top that,” Michael admits.

Lindsay calls Lucille in another plea for money, and when refused lets slip Buster’s line about Lucille’s being withholding. Lucille hangs up and is clearly troubled by this turn of events.

Michael and Buster are on their bike ride, but apparently Buster forgot to put the brakes in and rolls down a hill, out of control.

At the high school, George Michael has quit the play since he doesn’t want to kiss his rival, but that means Maeby is back in, only now she’s playing the male lead and SteveHolt! is the female. “It’s gonna be a huge disaster—I’ll get you tickets!” she assures her disappointed cousin.

Lucille visits Michael and Buster at the office, and scolds Michael for turning Buster against her just because his relationship with George Michael has gone south, but Michael argues against the parallel and says that Buster can make his own decisions. But it turns out Buster wants to go back with Lucille, and his trash talking earlier was just to fit in with his siblings. I know I’m supposed to be summarizing, but sometimes the dialogue on this show is so perfect that I can’t paraphrase it, and I love this exchange:

Michael: You were flying today, buddy.

Buster: Yes, I was flying, but a little too close to the sun.

Lucille: You let him go in the sun?!

She sends Buster out to the car, but at least he demands to sit in the front seat. (Michael winks at him in response, and can I just say that Jason Bateman has a damn sexy wink.) Lucille tells Michael to get keep his son close and leaves, and in a brilliant reveal that I’d forgotten about the camera pulls back to show us that this entire familial confrontation has taken place in the middle of a board meeting.

George Michael, disappointed by the results of the play debacle, has returned to the model home and is making cornballs while waiting for Michael. When Michael expresses his worry about their growing apart, George Michael says that his father is the most important part of his life. “That’s a little cornball,” Michael replies, but they agree that they don’t mind. Michael contentedly rests his arm on the Cornballer and then screams in pain. “EVERY DAMN TIME!” he yells, and I forgot that this is where I picked up that phrase.

  “Next time”: Tobias is crushed by a bad play review from a sophomore and ends up back sobbing in the shower, and Buster somehow gets stuck on the roof at the pool.

1.02: Top Banana

The episode kicks off with a news report from our favorite AD news anchor about the Bluth banana stand burning down. Cut to George Sr.’s new home at the Orange County prison, evidently a week before the fire. George is practically making out with an ice cream sandwich while assuring a worried Michael that “there’s always money in the banana stand”. He tries to get Michael in on the ice cream action, but Michael’s not having it. He wants to know if George is hiding travel records from him, but his father is more interested in introducing Michael to his roommate T-Bone (“he’s a flamer”), to whom Michael is supposed to give a job at the Bluth Company. Michael’s not happy about this.

George Michael is having trouble dealing with his cousin as his new roommate since he pretty much fell in love with her after she kissed him, so he asks Michael to give him more hours at the banana stand. Michael is impressed, and promotes him to manager. He goes into the freezer only to find a paper bag with a sign saying “DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT”. Upon looking into the bag, he looks uncomfortable, but admits, “Well, I don’t know what I expected.” Heeheehee.

Lindsay and Tobias are lounging around, and Michael scolds them for not even shopping, since all that’s in the freezer is a dead dove. “You didn’t eat that, did you?” GOB asks from the couch behind him. Tobias tries to gain sympathy for his tough actor’s life, but Lindsay points out that he’s never actually been on an audition, prompting him to channel Steve Martin (“Excuuuuuuse me!”) and run out of the room.

Michael tells Lindsay she’s setting a bad example for Maeby, who turns out to be chilling on the floor behind the couch. “Is there a carbon monoxide leak in this house?” Michael asks. So he sends Maeby to work with George Michael, much to his son’s dismay, telling him to “Stay on top of her, buddy. Do not be afraid to ride her. Hard.”

At the banana stand, Maeby eats melted chocolate off her hand, then to get money for skeeball cheats the register by throwing out a banana for every dollar she takes. George Michael, as usual, is nervous.

Michael visits Lucille, who hilariously is on the phone saying “Then why don’t you just MARRY an ice cream sandwich?!” She lies to Michael that she was talking to GOB, then interrupts him with “I don’t know where they are” before he can even tell her he’s looking for the flight records. She says George Sr. is in charge of where the flight records are kept and “all that”, and they’re probably in a storage unit somewhere, but she doesn’t remember where it is.

More pressingly, she’s worried about GOB, since Michael isn’t including him in the business at all. She thinks Michael should give him a job to “make him feel special”.

Michael: But he’s not special, mother.

Lucille: No. *pause* But he loves you…

I love this family.

The next day while out and about, Tobias picks up a copy of “Actor Pull”, which, when we see the other copies next to it, turns out to be “Tractor Pull”. Michael comes across him at the moment of realization, and Tobias is about to spiral into self-hatred before Michael points out an ad for Open Auditions right behind him, so Tobias runs off to “call them again”. Michael sees a flyer for a “Pre-Christmas Fur Sale” and gets an idea.

He calls Lucille, and tells her that the IRS is coming by her apartment to see if she charged any big-ticket items to the company. “Furs, or… I don’t know. Just a heads-up.” Next thing we know,  Luz is dragging an entire rack of furs onto a city bus. 

“Oh, that poor woman,” says Michael, spying from nearby. He follows the bus.

Lindsay has come along with Tobias to his audition as spousal support. Once it’s started, Tobias asks for his motivation: “Am I panicked about the fire, or am I being brave for everyone else?” The client is confused, as the commercial is for a fire sale (I have to say, I had never heard of that term before this episode, but apparently it’s a thing). Tobias decides to give it a shot, and proceeds to freak the hell out like the whole building’s burning down (WE’RE HAVING A FIRE!… sale”). He ends up flat on the ground, apparently dead.

Of course this whole routine, even if the commercial WAS about an actual fire, is woefully over-acted, and the producer asks if he’d like to try it a little simpler. Tobias: “…No.”

The producer comes out of the room and recognizes Lindsay, who expresses enthusiasm when she learns that the South Coast Boutique is having a fire sale. Her delivery makes Roger look thoughtful, and Tobias defeated.

Michael is still following Luz, who is even transferring busses with that damn coat rack. Michael arrives just before she does at the storage unit…which is surrounded by fire trucks and has obviously just been put out. Michael finds a scrap of a photo of George Sr., and pouts while the firemen confirm that it was arson. “Definitely the work of a flamer”. Michael looks annoyed while behind him, a bus pulls up. Luz gets off, sees the wreckage, and immediately starts pounding on the bus door to be let back on.

Back at the model home, Lindsay is updating Michael on her new acting job. Tobias pretends that everything is all right and runs out of the room again. Michael shares his suspicions with Lindsay that George Sr. is trying to run the business from prison instead of letting Michael do it, and GOB pops up from behind the fridge door to take offense at the idea that the Bluth company is Michael’s business. Michael panders to his brother by asking him to deliver an “important” letter, and since GOB suspects that his plans of trying to return a frozen dove may not be entirely productive, he agrees.

Back at prison, Michael argues with George Sr that they don’t have the money to hire T-Bone in exchange for the arson. “There’s always money in the banana stand,” George winks. Michael, irritated, informs him that in fact he trusts HIS son enough to put him in charge of the banana stand. George doesn’t look too sure about that, and we cut to said stand where George Michael, Maeby, and now T-Bone are all shoved behind the counter.

 

Maeby decides to go to dinner on her banana/doll exchange, and when T-Bone questions her math she comforts George Michael with the fact that “He’s an arsonist, not an embezzler”.

Lucille calls Michael to the apartment because “GOB is not happy” about the paltry responsibility he’s been given. Michael asks if it was too hard for him and she disagrees: “Oh he mailed the letter. That’s not the point.” (A montage shows us that actually, GOB tried to throw the letter into the ocean as an act of defiance, although the physics of the act didn’t quite work out).

 She doesn’t care that he’s unhappy, she just wants him to stop calling her.

Turns out Lindsay is also over at the penthouse to go out to lunch with Lucille with the money she has not yet made. They end up at the same restaurant where George Michael and Maeby are playing hooky. George Michael goes over their financial system again and Maeby finally realizes that they’re doubling their losses, which causes George Michael to pretty much hyperventilate at the thought of his father’s reaction. Maeby tells him to think of what George Sr., the businessman, would do. He looks over to Lindsay and Lucille’s table, where they are being served a flaming plate of Bananas Foster.

Michael rides up to the banana stand to find T-Bone, who with perfect delivery recites, “Welcome to Bluth Bananas, where bananas are our business. May I interest you in a banana this day?” Michael is EVEN MORE annoyed that George Sr. is taking over everything, but has some unanswered questions. “You burn down the storage unit?” he asks T-Bone, who immediately becomes one of my favorite minor characters with his response: “Oh, most definitely!”

Michael retreats to the beach to think, and GOB approaches to chide him for not working when “the rest of us are busting our asses to deliver your mail”.  Apparently GOB thinks that as the older brother, HE should be in charge, even though he doesn’t actually want the job. They’re discussing their father’s lack of respect (for Michael as a businessman, GOB as “…a MAGICIAN!”) when Michael gets a call from Maeby, and upon hearing that SHE thinks George Michael is about to do something irresponsible, rushes over to the banana stand.

T-Bone is watching George Michael stuff newspaper around the base of the banana stand, a gas can nearby, and muses, “I’m gonna get blamed for this”. Ha! Michael intercepts his son, who in a total panic admits his screw-up. As the narrator wisely notes, “Michael realized that he had done to his son what his father had done to him”. So he decides to “burn this son of a bitch”.

Cut to father and son watching the blazing banana stand some hours later.

GOB rolls up on his Segway to join in the cathartic moment. “You mailed that insurance check, right GOB?” Michael asks, and in response he slllooooowwwllyy backs up his Segway and wheels away, with Michael on his heels.

The next day Lindsay, hungover from her celebratory lunch, sleeps through her commercial shoot. They call Tobias as backup, but he’s too busy with his pity party sobbing in the shower (note: wearing nothing but cutoff shorts) and doesn’t hear his phone. 

 

Back at prison, Michael, now smugly enjoying his own ice cream sandwich, tells George that the banana stand is gone. “Are you crazy?!” his father demands. “There was money in that banana stand!” Michael stands his ground, and George Sr. clarifies: “There was $250,000 lining the walls of the banana stand.” Michael is startled. “What? Why didn’t you tell me that?” George Sr. doesn’t know how much clearer he could have been. “THERE’S ALWAYS. MONEY. IN THE BANANA STAND!”

 

“On the next episode”, such as it is: GOB tosses his dove into the ocean, and Michael rebuilds the banana stand (it needs to show up in future episodes, obviously). 

1.01: Extended Pilot

1.01: Extended Pilot

I'm kicking this off with a special feature-- a recap of the extended pilot, which is only on the DVDs. It's about five minutes longer than the aired pilot and I don't know all the differences, but I've noted them where appropriate.

“Orange County, California” announces the subtitle. On a yacht, we are immediately introduced to Michael Bluth (“Manager/The Bluth Company”), who will shortly be made partner of his father’s company. Mrs. Lucille Bluth (“Socialite”) storms over to Michael ranting about what the homosexuals have done. Right next to the yacht, a group of gay protestors is on a raft, disturbing the retirement party. Lindsay Bluth Funke (“Activist”), Michael’s twin sister, tries to calm her mother down, and notices that she has the exact same blouse as one of the protestors. “I like it better on him.” Lucille snipes. We’re shown a picture of Lindsay’s husband, Tobias (“not on boat”), a psychiatrist whom she married in an act of rebellion.

Next up is Michael’s oldest brother, GOB. Fun Fact #1: apparently there were two actors in the final rounds competing for the role of GOB: Will Arnett and Rainn Wilson, who you probably know better as one Dwight K. Schrute. I cannot imagine a better GOB than Will Arnett though, so I think it all panned out perfectly. Also, in case you missed the title card, GOB stands for George Oscar Bluth II, which is interesting given later information. I originally figured it was Job, like in the bible, but it is indeed an acronym and I will spell it accordingly in the recaps.

Anyway, GOB (“Magician (part-time)”) argues against Michael’s use of the term “magic trick”: “A trick is something a whore does for money.” Some children gasp nearby. “…or cocaine!” (this line was “or candy!” in the aired pilot). He is head of the Alliance of Magicians, which blackballs any performer who reveals magicians’ secrets.

Last but not least, there’s Buster (“Graduate Student”), whose real name is Byron and who basically spends all his time getting worthless grad degrees instead of ever getting a real job (welcome to the club, buddy). Right now he’s studying cartography, and when Michael questions this course of study he starts to suffer one of his characteristic crippling panic attacks.

So, Michael is happy, the narrator tells us, because he’s decided never to speak to his family again. Fun Fact #2: Ron Howard is the executive producer of the show, and also the narrator. Initially they had him record the narration as a stand-in until they found somebody else, but it worked out so well that they kept him.

Title card (no intro this time).

We're back to earlier that day, where Michael and his son George Michael (“Frozen banana salesman/child”) wake up on the floor. Michael brags about how they’ve done nothing but sacrifice for this family, and tonight his dad will make him partner. We find out that Michael is living in the attic of one of the company’s model homes, so they can still show it to clients. They have the usual lived-in clutter hidden among the fake furnishings of the house (cereal in a plastic turkey, bike helmets in a fake TV).

George Michael says that he’d rather live in a model home than be like his aunt and uncles, “whose eyes have never stung from the sweet sweat of a hard day’s work”. Michael is stunned by this language but it turns out to be a “I learned it from watching you!” kind of situation, so he admits that his family is spoiled. The boys have to spontaneously change their conversation to a sales pitch when a couple of clients walk in to the model home.

They bike over to Balboa Island, where George Michael works at the family’s frozen banana stand. GOB rolls up on a Segway scooter and demands a twenty from George Michael, then does a magic trick (which is greatly aided by the camera cut) to turn it into a Monopoly game. GOB gets all nostalgic about playing Monopoly with his family (while conspicuously pocketing the twenty), and it's mentioned that George Michael is thirteen, for those of you keeping track. He rolls off, ignoring George Michael’s pleas for the money, since a magician never reveals his secrets. “Wow,” George Michael muses, “that’s so much like stealing.”

Michael is making preparations for his dad’s retirement party nearby, and GOB scooters over to talk to him.  Michael is skeptical of GOB’s contribution of a magic show with a new illusion called the Aztec Tomb, which was $18,000. GOB lets it slip that Lindsay has been staying at the Four Seasons on the company dime. “Lindsay’s been in town for a month?” Michael asks. GOB: “…I don’t think so.” He flees.

Michael goes to talk to Lucille about finances, but she’s in a state since someone cut the paw off her fox stole. She admits to paying for the Aztec Tomb, and when accused of playing favorites claims to love all her children equally. (Cut to “earlier that day”, at lunch with Buster: “I don’t care for GOB.”) She distracts Michael by talking about his dad’s big announcement tonight, and when he asks if it’s about him, does this:

 “I wonder how I could talk you out of ever making that face again,” Michael replies. Tobias enters the room, and Michael asks how his job search is going, since apparently he lost his medical license giving CPR to someone who was not actually having a heart attack. Tobias's attempts to cover his failure are interrupted when Lindsay comes in, and tries to pretend that they just got in before giving up and half-heartedly apologizing to Michael for not telling him they were in town. They talk about her latest fundraiser for HOOP (“Hands Off Our Penises”), and Tobias admits that most of the money came from the Bluth company. Lindsay and Lucille look busted. Michael starts speechifying about how when he’s in charge they’ll have to fend for themselves, and as he gets pumped tribal drums start up-- but we find out it's just Buster practicing for one of his classes.

Back at the banana stand, a girl comes up to George Michael and claims to have found a fox paw (hey!) in her frozen banana. It turns out this is Maeby Funke (“Cousin”), Lindsay and Tobias’s daughter, who regularly rebels against her parents (i.e. getting into beauty pageants when Lindsay thinks she should get a tattoo). Her family has been living in Boston, so she tells George Michael that they should teach their parents a lesson for keeping them apart so much, like pretend they didn’t know they were related and make out. George Michael is hesitant. “Come on George Michael,” his cousin coaxes, batting him playfully on the nose with the severed fox foot. 

Tobias has mistakenly assumed from something Michael said that the party is pirate themed, so he finds some piratey stuff in Lindsay’s luggage and follows some other garishly dressed men onto a boat—the yacht club protestors, apparently. Once he boards the raft, we see that he is the one from earlier wearing Lindsay’s “exact same blouse”.

George Sr. (who I don’t think we’ve officially “met” yet, oddly enough) is making his announcement about his replacement: “the smartest Bluth, my favorite Bluth, and the sexiest creature I’ve ever laid eyes on”—(Michael looks confused but a little flattered)—and it’s Lucille! She is estatic. Michael is pissed. George Sr. tells him that it wasn’t the right time.

Michael pensively watches the homosexuals with their “Freedom” signs, and tells George Michael to say his goodbyes because it’s time for them to move on. When George Michael tells Maeby, Lindsay is walking by, so Maeby seizes her chance and starts making out with George Michael. While  the family photo op is taking place (we're now caught up to where the episode started), there are sirens and everyone realizes that the SEC boats are approaching.

Lindsay, Buster and Lucille break into the captain’s… cockpit? They try to get Buster to steer them to safety with his cartography skillz, but as his line of reasoning starts with “obviously this blue part here is the land,” it doesn’t look hopeful. He breaks into a panic attack while outside George Sr. is on his cell phone directing someone on what to shred and keep. GOB stuffs him into the Aztec Tomb to hide.

That night, the boat chase is on the news. Okay, this is where the overarching plot of the series is starting, so let’s lay it out: George Sr. is arrested and put in prison for embezzling from the Bluth Company, which builds housing developments. GOB is also mentioned (the reporter pronounces his name with a hard G, like “gob”) for hiding George in the Aztec tomb. She demonstrates the rotating panel, which is what does the vanishing: “Perhaps a good trick for a human, but the dogs found him almost immediately.” GOB looks crushed. “I have to think the Alliance is going to frown on this.”

Tobias comes in still dressed in his pirate fancies, and recounts his adventure. Apparently most of the homosexuals/pirates were actors in the local theater. He sees this as a sign from the universe. “You’re gay.” Lindsay deadpans. But nope. Tobias wants to be… an actor. Nobody really cares though, since George Sr. is going to be kept in prison and the attorney is putting a freeze on the company accounts. Lucille wants to put Buster in charge since he’s had business classes, but Buster isn’t sure that 18^th century agrarian business principles will apply. “Let me ask you, are you at all concerned about an uprising?”

Michael shouts that he’s sick of his family and that he and his son are leaving. “Somebody is a rude Gus, that’s all,” Tobias murmurs to Lindsay after his departure.

In the aftermath of the arrest, the Funkes have to check out of the hotel—dwell and dash, as it were—so Tobias starts auditioning to make some money. Lucille has to field all of the media’s questions (“The SEC is making him out to be some kind of mastermind, which I assure you he’s not. The man can barely work our shredder”), and Michael takes a job with a rival housing firm in Arizona. Buster is having panic attacks due to the stress in his new position in board meetings (and interestingly, this board room set is totally different from what we’ll see later episodes). 

The family decides that they need Michael back. Tobias suggests an intervention.

Somehow they got Michael back for the intervention, and Lucille grudgingly admits they need him to come back and run the business. GOB’s been getting blackballed by the Alliance since the news blew his illusion; even kids’ birthday parties are more comfortable with an Alliance-approved magician. Everyone starts fighting, and Maeby sighs in the other room where she and George Michael are playing cards. “I’m tempted to kiss again to teach them a lesson,” George Michael tries, and poor kid can’t really explain his way out of that one. Damn, Michael Cera is a big bag of awkward, especially at thirteen.

Michael tells his family that he already has a new job in Phoenix. “It’s something you apply for, and then they pay you to, uh… never mind, I don’t want to ruin the surprise.” Lindsay points out that the least he can do is say goodbye to George Sr., since he hasn’t visited him in prison yet.

“I quit,” Michael tells George in the visitor’s room. His dad nods. “Probably a good career move.” Michael just has to ask why he was passed up for partnership, and this is my favorite part of the entire episode.

George: Michael, listen to me. These guys, the SEC, they’ve been after me for years. I put you in charge, you’re going to be wearing one of these orange jumpsuits, too. You’d be an accomplice. No. It had to be your mom. *motions Michael closer* They cannot arrest a husband and wife for the same crime. *winks*

Michael: Yeah, I don’t think that that’s true, Dad.

George: Really?... I got the worst fucking attorneys.

(The “fuck” is bleeped in the aired pilot, but here they leave it in.) The way Jeffrey Tambor takes off his glasses and puts his head in his hands, I just… this show was spot-on from day one.

Anyway, George realizes he should have done right by his son, and for Michael, that’s enough for now. Back at the model home, Lindsay is ransacking the place for anything valuable, and surprised by how little there is.

[Ahhhh, I was going to put in a screencap of Lindsay's hilarious face when what she thinks is a drawer comes off in her hand, but apparently they only put that scene in the extended pilot, and Mac blanks out any screencaps from DVDs. All the pictures I post are courtesy of Netflix, by the way.]

She runs into George Michael in the attic (he’s sorting through three Monopoly games), and they say their goodbyes. George Michael mentions that it’s been nice to have someone to talk to “since Mom died,” which is the first mention of why Michael is a single parent. Michael comes upstairs and sends George Michael outside, and he goes after giving Lindsay a sweet and sincere hug. I think the rare moments of humanity in the family really make the shenanigans all the funnier in the end. They are batshit crazy, but they still love each other, you know?

Michael asks Lindsay why she never called him. She admits that her life is a mess, and does this:

“What are you doing? Are you trying to cry?” Michael asks. “I’m SAD.” She replies. She calls Michael out for being judgmental and disappointed in her, but he admits that his life isn’t so hot either. “We’re an incredibly disappointing family!” they agree. But Michael wants George Michael to be around his family, so he decides to stay and try to save the business.

The Bluths (minus Lucille) play Monopoly, and Michael tells George Michael that the Funkes will be staying at the model home as well. He’s thrilled until he finds out that he’ll be sharing a room with Maeby.

“Next” on Arrested Development (although the scenes we see at the end are more extensions of the current plot, since it’s rare that they actually happen in a later episode): George Michael is uncomfortable sharing space with Maeby (apparently the bedroom set also changes), Lindsay gets a job, GOB gets turned down for Michael’s Phoenix job, and George Sr. is loving it in prison.

And that’s it! This one was a little lengthy, but after this the episodes are shorter and I’ll be a bit more succinct. Honestly, it’s hard to summarize this show because of all the minor jokes and sight gags that you miss if you’re just paying attention to the storyline. Especially in the pilot, I felt the need to quote more often because it really sets the tone for the rest of the series, but I’ll try to rein that in as the project progresses.

Now the story of a wealthy family...

Chances are, you’ve probably heard of Arrested Development. Not like LOST, where everyone talked about it in real time, but in its explosion of popularity since its cancellation. I’m sure you’ve at least seen a gif of it somewhere. Recognize these?

Right. So you’ve also probably heard about season 4, which—in a BRAND NEW format! – will premiere on Netflix all at once in May. The thing is, it’s been seven years since the last episode (well I feel old). And with a show like Arrested Development, which delights in running gags, recurring characters, and complex ongoing storylines, you’re probably going to want to brush up on the first three seasons before the premiere date.

I was about to say something quippy like “that’s where I come in!”, but that wouldn’t be fair. AD is currently streaming on Hulu and Netflix, and I’m sure it’s available through not-so-legal channels as well. So if you want to catch up on back episodes, it’s pretty easy.

HOWEVER.

I am a pop culture fanatic. And I know that the only thing I like better than binging on TV shows is going online and finding out what OTHER people think about them too. Recaps, forums, it’s all very addictive. So my aim is to recap every AD episode between now and May when season 4 finally arrives. With 52 episodes that should run me about one per day, but I’m not in school and have a customer service job, so I have an abundance of free time.

I’m going to let this project unroll itself, so I don’t know yet whether I’ll track guest stars or recurring jokes or what exactly, except for one thing: the story. Unlike most sitcoms, AD has a macro-plot that extends through all three seasons. And on my first watch-through in 2006, I had trouble tracking how everything tied together. So, in addition to just providing a tribute to this great and, well, at this point over-appreciated show, I hope to more clearly outline the saga of the Bluth family and their business shenanigans in… but I’m getting ahead of myself. Don’t want to spoil it.