1.03: Bringing Up Buster

Michael is at the model home, making cornballs in “The Cornballer”, a device that George Sr. apparently tried to market through infomercials with Richard Simmons in the 70s. He warns George Michael not to touch the blazing hot machine, and George Michael reveals that he can’t go on their weekly bike ride. Michael is stunned that his son would try to have his own life, and promptly burns himself on the Cornballer.

Michael’s annoyance is building early this episode as he also learns that Lindsay has been shopping on the company credit card. GOB comes into the kitchen, apparently having been kicked out by his girlfriend, Marta. Michael doesn’t want GOB crowding up the house, and Lindsay blames his bad mood on George Michael’s abandonment. She and Tobias try to give Michael parenting advice, but instead of helping to prove their point Maeby leaves to audition for the school play (making sure to mention to her father, “it’s a high school play. You CAN’T audition.”)

Apparently she’s so interested because auditioning for the lead is a handsome dumb-jock type named Steve Holt, and she’s excited about the prospect of a kissing scene. George Michael is auditioning for the same reason, only focused on his cousin. Steve Holt gets the lead (“Steve Holt!” he shouts victoriously, pumping his fists), Maeby gets her part, and George Michael is… Steve’s stand-in.

We switch over to Lucille, who is beginning to feel smothered by Buster’s constant presence in her life, as there’s no money to send him to grad school anymore. She’s on the phone with Lindsay, who’s asking for money, while in the background Buster is trying to chase down a bird that got in the penthouse. “It walked on my pillow!” he whines. 

When Lindsay complains that Lucille is lecturing her just like Michael did “in front of everybody”, Lucille sees an opportunity to get her youngest son off her hands.

At the office, Lucille is guilting Michael into taking care of his brother, since “everyone’s laughing and riding and cornholing except Buster”. Michael assigns him the task of building the new bike he bought for George Michael (to tempt him back to the bike ride), and finds GOB in the copy room. In his bathrobe. Feeding slices of white bread into the paper shredder. 

(I love it.) GOB suspects that Lucille has ulterior motives for leaving Buster with Michael, but Buster seems oblivious: “Yeah. Mom’s awesome. Maybe we should call her.” Apparently since he’s not allowed at the model home, GOB’s been sleeping at the office. Michael kicks him out again.

At the play rehearsal, Tobias enters, oh-so-awkwardly hoists himself onto the stage, and reveals that he’ll be directing the play. In flashback, we see that the PE teacher was supposed to do it, but couldn’t give two shits and when Tobias came begging for the job, quickly agreed to “let the little fruit do it”.

Buster is causing trouble for Michael at work, so Michael calls it a day and goes to meet George Michael at school. George Michael and Maeby are in the middle of the kiss scene, but Tobias stops them because they’re lacking passion, and right now they look like “two young men playing grab-ass in the shower”. Maeby, fed up, quits, just as Michael comes in with George Michael’s new bike. George Michael gets upset that Michael is interrupting his big moment, and Michael worries to Tobias that his son is pulling away. Tobias sees George Michael talking with SteveHolt! and mistakenly assumes that the two need to be paired up. Since Maeby is gone, he announces that George Michael and SteveHolt! will now be the leads.

Michael’s visiting the prison, where George Sr. apologizes for missing his last visit for a game of strip poker. “It’s tough, we can really only play about… two hands.” Ha! They start talking about the need for Michael to let go of his son, citing Buster as a cautionary tale. “Maybe it was the 11 months he spent in the womb,” George Sr. muses. “I mean, the doctors said there were claw marks on the inside of her uterus… he turned out a little soft.” He’s interrupted by the yawns of Buster, who we discover has been sitting there the whole time: “Wow. We’re just blowing through nap time, huh?” Michael realizes he has to ease up on George Michael.

Lucille is awakened by GOB playing the piano in her penthouse (I weirdly always loved his arrangement of “Cold as Ice” here), so she uncaringly slams the lid down on his hands. Hearing that Marta kicked him out, she gives him three days in the penthouse. GOB: “Hey, if I can’t find a horny immigrant by then, I don’t DESERVE to stay here!”. Lucille is amused. So nice to see them getting along.

Michael is preparing to take Buster on the bike ride with him, and in response to Michael’s trash talk his baby brother breaks out a string of curse words that’s entirely bleeped out. 

After a play update from Tobias, GOB appears. He’s moving back in because Lucille told him to zip up her dress (which is usually Buster’s job). The four Bluth kids commiserate about their mother, and the older three are all surprised when Buster interjects, “it’s like she gets off on being withholding”. They’re all enjoying the moment as Buster starts ragging on his mother and careens into another bleeped out rant, ending with “YOU HORNY OLD SLUT!” “Well, no one’s gonna top that,” Michael admits.

Lindsay calls Lucille in another plea for money, and when refused lets slip Buster’s line about Lucille’s being withholding. Lucille hangs up and is clearly troubled by this turn of events.

Michael and Buster are on their bike ride, but apparently Buster forgot to put the brakes in and rolls down a hill, out of control.

At the high school, George Michael has quit the play since he doesn’t want to kiss his rival, but that means Maeby is back in, only now she’s playing the male lead and SteveHolt! is the female. “It’s gonna be a huge disaster—I’ll get you tickets!” she assures her disappointed cousin.

Lucille visits Michael and Buster at the office, and scolds Michael for turning Buster against her just because his relationship with George Michael has gone south, but Michael argues against the parallel and says that Buster can make his own decisions. But it turns out Buster wants to go back with Lucille, and his trash talking earlier was just to fit in with his siblings. I know I’m supposed to be summarizing, but sometimes the dialogue on this show is so perfect that I can’t paraphrase it, and I love this exchange:

Michael: You were flying today, buddy.

Buster: Yes, I was flying, but a little too close to the sun.

Lucille: You let him go in the sun?!

She sends Buster out to the car, but at least he demands to sit in the front seat. (Michael winks at him in response, and can I just say that Jason Bateman has a damn sexy wink.) Lucille tells Michael to get keep his son close and leaves, and in a brilliant reveal that I’d forgotten about the camera pulls back to show us that this entire familial confrontation has taken place in the middle of a board meeting.

George Michael, disappointed by the results of the play debacle, has returned to the model home and is making cornballs while waiting for Michael. When Michael expresses his worry about their growing apart, George Michael says that his father is the most important part of his life. “That’s a little cornball,” Michael replies, but they agree that they don’t mind. Michael contentedly rests his arm on the Cornballer and then screams in pain. “EVERY DAMN TIME!” he yells, and I forgot that this is where I picked up that phrase.

  “Next time”: Tobias is crushed by a bad play review from a sophomore and ends up back sobbing in the shower, and Buster somehow gets stuck on the roof at the pool.