1.04: Key Decisions

The Bluths are having money troubles. Michael tries to talk Lindsay out of spending so much, and they end up arguing about how much she really loves nature. (Michael: You’re wearing ostrich skin boots. Lindsay: Well I don’t love ostriches.) No sooner has she left then GOB comes in needing help. Apparently he’s practically being forced to support his girlfriend Marta, the star of a Spanish soap opera, not only during an interview today but at an awards show tomorrow (the “Desis”) where she is nominated. Michael tells him that family is the most important thing, and then they try to hide from Lucille when she enters. GOB does ask for money now, and when Michael refuses, rats out their hiding place to Lucille.

Lucille wants to go to the Desis to show up her friend Lucille Austero, who owns a TV station. She’s brought Buster along, and he needs Michael to tie his tie for him. Michael asks if Buster shouldn’t be skewing younger with the women he hangs out with, and Lucille explains that it’s a problem because “his glasses make him look like a lizard… plus, he’s self-conscious.” She chides Michael for not having dated in years, and he complains that he hasn’t met anyone lately that doesn’t act like—well, his family.

Michael sells the company jet, but keeps the stair car (the thing you climb up to board the plane) since all they have to drive in now is the overdue rental car Lindsay kept. 

Michael tells Lindsay to watch out for bridges and hop-ons. “You’re gonna get some hop-ons.” He goes inside the model home and watches a news report about a man named Johnny Bark camping out in a tree on a building site to protest the building of development homes. The reporter knocks on the window of the house for effect, and Michael’s window also knocks, then falls in. Michael: “You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

Michael gets Lindsay to talk to the protestor by telling her that once they’ve built the new houses, they’ll have enough money for a new car. Meanwhile, GOB is taping Marta’s interview. He interrupts her speech about the importance of family to announce that he’ll be locked up in George Sr.’s prison and escape by magic (the warden agreed because he’s eager to see GOB get a good prison beating). GOB has a rough time swallowing the key that will allow him to escape, but finally gets it down. The next day, he meets Michael at the prison before entering and relays the news that Michael will be taking Marta to the Desis, since GOB will voluntarily be in jail.

George Sr. is teaching some inmates how to throw a baseball, and GOB jealously approaches, surprising his father with his presence. GOB starts to act like, well, himself, and George has to call off White Power Bill, a large and angry looking man. GOB tries to mitigate the situation by pulling a quarter out of WPB's ear. Another inmate takes note and tries to spread the new nickname, “Dirty Ears Bill”.

Marta shows up at the model home all gussied up, and Michael is immediately struck by her beauty. He tries to get out of the engagement but can’t bring himself to do it, and has to drive her to the ceremony in the stair car (which Lindsay had earlier driven to the tree to talk to the protestor). In fact, right now Lindsay is up in the tree finishing her speech to him, but just as she tells him that one way or another the tree will be torn down, she realizes that her escape route has disappeared.

At the awards show, Michael and Marta take a seat and Lucille and Buster arrive. Lucille tries to order a drink from every passing Hispanic male in a tux, and a blind, glasses-less Buster makes small talk with a nearby table. Lucille meets up with her friend Lucille Austero (played by Liza Minelli), and they try to one-up each other on dead vs. imprisoned husbands. They crack up at the “delicious wit”, and Lucille 2 (the nickname is not officially instated this episode, but it's the easiest way to reference her) throws herself into an episode of vertigo by laughing too hard. Later, she takes notice of Buster, who cannot see across the room but is doing a weird little fidget-dance that she takes as flirting. She sends a message to him on a napkin and leaves all a-flutter. 

Inside, Marta loses her category and walks out. Michael follows and tries to comfort her, before confirming: “Did you win? I don’t speak Spanish.” Marta is sad more because she thought her winning would make GOB proud, but admits that maybe he just doesn’t understand family and commitment. Michael realizes that he might be having feelings that are inappropriate for a brother’s girlfriend.

In prison, housed in the same cell as George Sr., GOB is ready to pass the key and escape. What he hadn’t realized, however, was that all the available toilets—or toilet, rather—are out in the open in the cells. “I’ve made a huge mistake,” he intones.

Michael and Marta are eating fast food on the stair car (In N Out I think, from the looks of the cups. Oh, California.), while Lindsay, still stuck in the tree, bonds with Johnny Bark. She reflects on her time as an activist, when she “used to believe in things”. At this moment, Michael returns with the stair car, but her nostalgia has turned her against him and now she wants to save the tree. “Okay,” Michael agrees, “I’ll see you when you realize what the bucket is for.” Man, the Bluth kids are 0 for 2 on private bathrooms this ep.

Lucille is waiting for Michael inside the model home, claiming that Buster is out of control. Actually, he just considers himself to be someone’s boyfriend since he got that note from the mystery lady. But he does know what she looked like: “a brownish area with points”. And he already loves her. Lucille leaves to call “Dr. Miller”, and the brothers chat about what to do when you find someone special. Buster’s advice? “You just grab that brownish area by its points, and you don’t let go no matter what your Mom says!” He leaves, determined.

GOB calls from prison. New plan: he unplugged the ice cream sandwich machine, which has temporarily distracted the guards, and wants Michael to meet him at the prison wall with the stair car. Michael really only needs to see GOB to talk about Marta, so he rides his bike over. “The stairs? I thought you were kidding. Hey, speaking of kidding, how serious are you about Marta?” GOB wants to jump onto Michael from 20 feet up, 

 but as they argue about logistics a guard comes out (from the security room where they're all eating ice cream sandwiches) and tasers him.

Back in his cell, GOB has a chat with George Sr. about how he’s just a big failure. George admits that he’s never been the best father, but still GOB just wants to throw the ball around with him like the other inmates. George is not enthused at the prospect.

The next morning, Lindsay is back in her own bed and Johnny Bark enters to confess his love, since they connected over believing in things. Lindsay apologizes for leading him on, but “I think you’re gross”. There’s some commotion outside—since Johnny left the tree, all obstacles are clear and the crew is tearing it down. “That’s why you never get out of the tree,” he realizes sadly.

Over at the prison, George Sr. finally offers to play a game of catch with GOB. It’s going well until White Power Bill comes up behind GOB and, in an act of vengeance, shanks him right in the side (shivvs him? Not up on my prison lingo).

Michael is over at Marta’s to confess his feelings, but is interrupted by her phone ringing. She picks up and relays the news to Michael: “GOB has been stabbed in the back.” Michael looks guilty. Cut to the hospital, where Lucille is sitting near her oldest son. When he wakes up and finds out he’s in the hospital and not prison, all he can do is let out a weak “ta-da!”. Out in the hallway, Buster and Lucille 2 run into each other. (She’s in the hospital for her bout of vertigo.) She asks Buster if he’s given any thought to her offer. In a moment of horrible realization, Buster asks if her hair has always been that pointy. 

Michael enters GOB’s room. GOB admits that life is short, so he needs to work things out with Marta. Michael is disappointed, but represses his feelings. GOB admits that had he gotten out last night, he would have broken up with her, so it’s a good thing Michael didn't bring the stairs. Michael starts to head out as Marta enters, and watches with regret as she and GOB make up. She tells him that she’s going to call the kids, and, once alone, GOB looks reflective: “I’ve made a huge mistake.”

Next time: GOB finds out that the shiv got caught on the key in his lower intestine ("so close..."), and Buster agrees to go for it with Lucille 2.