1.05: Charity Drive

Michael always rides his bike to work, but we see that because he lives in California, he also always arrives sweaty, even dripping on the projector in meetings. Obviously this cannot stand.

Ah, and now we meet Kitty! I will always think of Judy Greer as Kitty since that’s where I first saw her, but you’ve probably seen her in about 60% of romantic comedies made since the year 2000, where she always plays the best friend. Anyway, Kitty obviously does not like Michael, as she tells him that George Sr. “most certainly did not” file the permits that Michael just promised the clients had been filed. Michael groans that now he has to ride his bike to talk to George, and when Kitty suggests he takes his Dad’s car we get a flashback to 1981, where we see that George Sr. was always super protective of his car. Also, this is the first time we see the younger versions of the Bluth kids, and I think they did a pretty good match job.

Kitty smugly lets slip that GOB has been driving George’s car, so Michael goes to confront GOB at the banana stand, where he’s just ordered a GOB (double dip banana with everything on it). Turns out he has been driving George Sr.’s car, and also managed to burn the roof by trying to impress a cute security guard with his magic. The staircar is unavailable because Tobias took it to the airport but was waved onto the tarmac, and there it remains. George Michael tries to hand over the GOB to GOB, but Michael stops it when he finds out his brother doesn’t plan on paying. GOB offers his likeness for a “Bananagrabber” character in exchange, but Michael shuts it all down and tells him to stop taking the car.

Michael returns to the model home to find out from Lindsay where the car is. So far she’s managed to spill red nail polish all over it while driving and doing her nails. She mentions that she has to get ready for the bachelorette auction (even though she’s already married), and Michael accuses her of not actually being charitable. She accuses him of the same, and he gets all up in arms about how everything he does is for the family. Lindsay argues that he just likes being in charge, and Michael eventually drags it out of her that Buster has the car (“it’s on the schedule”).

Penthouse. Lucille’s housekeeper Luce is gone, and her sister Lupe has replaced her. Lucille is scolding her about everything, and when Michael scolds his mother, she replies “Oh please. They didn’t sneak into this country to be your friends.” (Lupe stops cold at that one.) After guilting Michael over denying GOB a frozen banana (as Lindsay did earlier, someone’s a whiner), Lucille also mentions that she’s in the bachelorette auction. She’s mainly in it to go for more money than Lucille Austero, which she’s insured by giving Lucille 2 tickets to The Producers.

Apparently Buster is going to bid on Lucille, although right now he’s hiding so that he won’t have to come into contact with Lucille 2, who’s been pursuing him since the Desis, and is half-expecting some “grand romantic gesture”.  Right now Lucille Bluth is coaching Buster through the process: Bid $10,000 when they call her name. She leaves, frustrated, and Michael asks Buster about the car. He’s been taking it to his archaeology digs, and gives Michael the keys, although there are still half-excavated bones in the backseat.

At prison, George is distracted from the permit issue since he’s working on his newsletter and deciding which gang to align himself with. He can’t choose, he just feels like “the prettiest girl at the dance”. Anyway, his solution to the permits is to break into the permit office, put the application into another file, and claim that the permit people screwed up—seems to me that George’s ending up in prison was really an inevitability. He tells Michael to get GOB to do it, since that’s what he’s for. Michael: “THAT’S what he’s for!” George does caution him that the request shouldn’t come from Michael, since GOB is still miffed about the frozen banana debacle.

GOB is trying to replace the frozen-banana-hole in his heart with a candy apple, and promptly cracks a tooth. Michael finds him and makes a seemingly sincere apology before immediately requesting a favor. GOB tries to argue, but realizes that his cracked tooth is making him whistle when he speaks. GOB is more generous when he finds out that it’s George Sr. who needs the favor, but has some “conditionSsss…termSsss… ONE CONDITION AND ONE TERM.” He wants free frozen bananas as well as creative control, spin-off rights, and theme park rights to any Banana-Grabber characters. Michael agrees, but retains animation rights. GOB also wants Michael to make up for embarrassing him in front of his nephew.

Back at the banana stand, Michael requests a banana and respect for GOB, and tells George Michael to do “whatever he wants you to do”. Uh oh. Michael checks that they’re good, but GOB is already hoping that it wasn’t a mistake to give up animation rights.

Lindsay is taking a taxi (the bus was gross) to a wetlands cleanup to prove that she is charitable, and calls Michael once she gets there. She brags, hangs up, and promptly impales a frog with her trash-poker-stick.

 

 Michael, feeling competitive, also decides to be charitable, and gets his chance when he sees Lupe waiting for the bus…or at least that’s what he thinks. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that it’s because he only met her once, but it turns out that the woman he insists get in the car is a total stranger. On top of that, when she sees Buster’s bones, Lindsay’s red nail polish, and a shovel, she quickly gets frantic. She starts pleading in Spanish, but Michael takes “escared” for “izquierdo”, and makes a left turn. “And they call me selfish!” he chuckles.

Michael is chatting to the woman about what a banana-grabber is. A guy who grabs bananas and runs? A banana that grabs things? “Why would a banana grab another banana? I mean, those are the kind of questions I don’t want to answer.” He’s interrupted by a call from Lindsay, who fronts by raving about nature for about three seconds before admitting she made a mistake. Michael says that he has someone in the car and “I’m not going anywhere before she’s taken care of!” And then nods at her like this:

Lindsay admits that she’s lost and hates the wetlands, “and I think I maced a crane!” Michael gives in and tells the woman that they’re taking a detour, but in the other direction there are already police cars, sirens on, out looking for the woman Michael “kidnapped”.

Lucille 2 is basically waiting in her doorway for Buster to come out and make his grand romantic gesture, but realizes she was probably mistaken about his intentions. Meanwhile, GOB is trying to get into the permit office, but his whistling tooth blows a hole in his deliveryman disguise. At the model home, George Michael agrees to give a message to Michael from GOB because “my dad said I had to do whatever you wanted me too.” GOB had forgotten about that, but seizes his chance and assigns the job to George Michael, who is hesitant until he sees how excited Maeby is about the idea.

Lindsay makes it back to her taxi, but forgets to call Michael. He pulls up, doesn’t see her, and assumes she was lying about the whole thing. While he’s in the middle of his angry soliloquy, his passenger makes a run for it. “I’m trying to help you… you’re welcome!” he shouts as she flees for her life.

 At the prison, GOB is telling George Sr. how much his request means to him, and his father offers to have his cell-mate dentist “who took some liberties with his patients” take a look at GOB’s tooth. It comes up that GOB got George Sr.’s fourteen-year-old grandson (fourteen now? Huh…) to break into the permit office, to which George responds by breaking the strict no-touching rule and smacking GOB with his newspaper while calling him a “stupid ass”. Mean, but true.

Things at the permit office are quickly spiraling out of control, as Maeby leaves a piece of gum as her calling card, then mentions their fingerprints. “I thought you said they weren’t gonna check for fingerprints!” George Michael panics. “No,”, Maeby replies, I said don’t wear your mittens.” Hahaha, he totally would too. Security is approaching, and George Michael tells his cousin to save herself, and she promises to return the favor next time. He’s so enchanted by the prospect of a next time that he doesn’t even seem to mind when they shine a flashlight in his face.

At the bachelorette auction, Lindsay arrives, looking a mess from her torturous day. 

 

Buster is also supposed to be there to bid on his mother, but he is waiting for Lucille 2 to leave first, supposedly for The Producers, but she’s actually going to the auction as well. Lindsay’s not getting any bids, but Michael enters and sees that she was obviously in the wetlands, so he bids $1,000 on her. “Seriously?” the auctioneer asks, and pronounces her sold to “the man who truly knows what charity is”.

Buster, well aware of how late he is, rushes down the hall, panicking as he hears the name Lucille. So as not to disappoint his mother, he barges into the room and yells, “ten thousand dollars!”… for the wrong Lucille. 

 

She’s enchanted by the grand romantic gesture, and Buster passes out.

Lindsay thanks Michael for helping her out, and as thanks agrees that George Sr.’s car is Michael’s when a policeman comes up to inquire. This sweet moment only lasts a second, however,  as the officer shoves Michael onto the hood of the car and arrests him for the “forced abduction of Helen Maria Delgado”. He finds himself face-to-face with his son in the back of the police car, and doesn’t even seem that startled.

Michael: What’d you do?

George Michael: Just trying to be a good guy.

Michael. Me too… me too. Let’s go see Pop-pop.

“Next time”: Michael gets off because Helen makes the same mistake he did (fingering a different guy in a blue shirt with dark hair), and GOB regrets a bad business decision: “I never should have given up animation rights.” 

 (Also, it’s a banana who grabs bananas, so there’s that question answered.)